The Not So Perfect Mate
by Eithne19
Summary: Sesshomaru and Mayuri have been mated for ten years and have seven children and hardly have time for each other. When Sesshomaru is tempted to have an affair, both are forced to look at their relationship and she if they really found their perfect mate.
1. Chapter 1

She sat at the edge of the bed for a few minutes as she took a deep breath and let the quiet of the house sink in; at last, all was still. That last of her children, a girl of six months, had finally fallen asleep, her elder siblings all tucked away safely in their respective beds.

Despite having children old enough to help her with the baby, and the ones who could still be considered infants, the day had still been hectic and slightly overwhelming, but such was the life of a mother; especially if her children were all close in age.

This last child, like some of the others, cried and cried and cried and it seemed almost endless. Barely a second passed that she did not scream at the top of her lungs, wanting something or the other and often times it felt like she wanted nothing at all, simply to scream and scream and scream until she tired out her voice and herself. She was always on alert, always stressed, always waiting to hear those faithful cries and run to her child, hoping that this time there would be something that would calm her down. Simply put, Mayuri was exhausted and even that seemed like too weak a word.

Sesshomaru helped when he could; being a lord was a full time job after all and ever since news had spread that he had acquired an adopted child, a _human_ child, humans from villages terrorized by demons flocked to live under him and his protection and seeing as how Sesshomaru's subjects had, before then, been solely youkai, the transition was not exactly easy. Many of the youkai saw the new humans as easy meals and Sesshomaru very often had to step in and control some very dire situations; some of the humans had been, kidnapped, enslaved and worst still eaten; but for the most past, that mate of hers was able to save his human villagers from such a terrible fate.

He was an excellent father, as she had expected, who had the unconditional love and loyal respect of every last of his children, who often listened to him more than they did her. What little time he had to himself, they occupied. She knew they didn't mean to and they had no malicious motives, but they really did not let her have any time with her mate, safe at night when they were both about to, or already asleep. On the one hand it was good that he was usually asleep by the time she got to bed these days; he would not try to ravish her, which was the last thing on her mind.

Between his work as lord and her work as new mother, again, they barely had time for each other these days; even though they spent basically every minute of every day in the same home. If she wasn't tending to the baby, she was breaking up fight, if she wasn't breaking up a fight, she was breaking up an argument, if she wasn't breaking up an argument she was preparing food, if she wasn't preparing food she was doing something or the other that usually required all of her time, energy and patience. She loved her children, with all of her heart and soul, but she did not in any way want another one anytime soon; if she did, she might just go insane.

She inhaled deeply and sighed, before crawling into place next to her mate and resting her hand across his stomach as she laid her head on his chest. The steady beat of his heart and rise and fall off his chest were soothing enough that they slowly lulled her to sleep. She closed her eyes. The sweet, soft, cloudy tendrils of sleep's warm grip crept up her tired body and gradually over took her.

The baby screamed.

Half sighing, half sobbing Mayuri opened her eyes and moaned. Just as she was about to get some well deserved sleep…the child had not even been asleep for an hour. She sighed again and sat up, running her hands through her hair and slapping her cheeks, she swung her legs over the bed only to be steadied by the strong arms of her mate wrapping around her near crumbling torso.

"Rest. I shall tend to her." Sesshomaru said to her, his lips only inches from her ear.

"Thank you." She breathed.

As she sighed for a third time she threw herself back onto the bed, not caring what position she landed in or how much space she had taken up. All that mattered to Mayuri was that she was getting some much needed rest for the first time in days. Within seconds the darkness had claimed her.

oOo

He looked down at the sleeping form sprawled almost completely across the bed they shared. Almost instantly she had fallen asleep and that told him how utterly drained of energy she had felt, she had been. He could see that it was difficult for her, raising all of their children basically by herself. He wanted to do more, he wanted to help more, but his lordly duties kept him at arm's length, almost like an observer watching the lives of his children – someone who was not actually living those lives with them. And that was almost exactly how it was.

Curse those foolish humans who thought it their right to move onto his lands!

Selfish creatures those humans really were. Thinking only of themselves and their safety! Did they not see that their intrusion was costing him his life with his mate and children? Did they not see that they kept him from the duties he wished to fulfil above all others? Could they not tell that they were not wanted here by the one person whom they had moved her because of? Of course his youkai subjects welcomed them; they were easy meals. He however, was one youkai who wanted them gone!

Their presence only created great conflict within his lands. Yes there had been conflict before, youkai could be just as arrogant as humans and even more so, but not on this scale, nothing this serious, not to the point that so many lives were at stake and he had to keep a near constant vigil over his people. To the point that nearly a quarter of his army patrolled his lands on a nigh twenty-four hour basis, he himself among them for most of the day commanding them and making sure everything ran smoothly, effortlessly. Basically it was as if he were at war, on the battlefield, commanding his troops.

This had been going on for so long that his men were just as weary as he. Many of them were in the same situation as he was; they were being kept away from their mates. They were under a lot of stress and always on edge. Sesshomaru had to break up one too many fights between them.

All in all, he too was just as exhausted as his mate and like her, he had no choice but to continue what it was he was doing that was keeping him so tired. Unlike her however, he still had an appetite for mating and every time he tried to initiate it she would turn him down, telling him she was not in the mood. It wasn't until her last three births that she had denied him carnal pleasure and he was becoming more and more frustrated. He understood why she would not want to however, she was exhausted after sometimes days of no rest and running around behind children but sometimes he really hated it; after a long stressful day he wanted nothing more than to lose himself in his mate and forget everything that had caused him stress. But it was not to happen. Unfortunately.

He sighed and crawled into the bed, on what little room was left, and kissed her on her forehead before he left the room to tend to their crying child.

He went over to her small crib, the one that most all of his children had used, and the second he scooped her up into his arms and laid her against his chest she quieted...but only for a short while. Soon she was screaming at the top of her lungs again and he shushed her and rocked her as he tried to get her to fall back to sleep.

She was a most beautiful child indeed, she looked just like her mother; she had her dark hair and full lips, those green eyes and rosy cheeks. The only thing of her mother's that she did not have was the freckles – only four of their seven children had those. But she was the spitting image of her mother all the same.

He smiled down at his little girl – his Emi. Beautiful. A feisty one she would be, he was sure. She would never be subservient to any man.

He ran his thumb across her smooth cheek and kissed her on her dainty little button nose, and as he continued to shush and hum and rock and cradle, she slowly fell back into sleep. Knowing that if he put her back the she would only wake up again, Sesshomaru decided to take her to bed with him. With his arms currently occupied he nudged Mayuri awake with his foot and told her to make room. She sat up and saw him holding their latest child and love, pride and overall joy filled her sleepy eyes. She moved aside as he climbed into bed, laid on his back and rested Emi on his chest with her stomach to his bare flesh. Mayuri slid into place beside him, resting her head on his shoulder and laying her hand atop his own, which rested upon their daughter's back.


	2. Chapter 2

He lied in his bed and rubbed his sleeping daughter's back; she was sound asleep on his chest. He had awoken probably half of an hour ago but didn't quite feel like leaving the comfort of his bed, his mate, as of yet. He knew that eventually he would have to – he did have work to see to after all, the protection of his people and what not – but at this very moment, he preferred to lay in bed just a wee bit longer before he started what would no doubt be a very long day. He moved his hand from her back and placed it on her head, stroking her thick, wavy, black hair. She sighed contently and her leg twitched. Sesshomaru chuckled and sat up, shifting her sleeping form so that she was cradled in his arms, and kissed her forehead. Her bottom lip was stuck out the way it always did when she was asleep. Almost as if she was pouting.

She started to stir. Her brows furrowed and she started to moan. She was waking up and once she did he knew she would start her screaming. Before she could he slid his right index finger between her lips and she rubbed her toothless gums against his skin. Emi would soon need a feeding, hopefully by then Mayuri would already be awake and he wouldn't have to wake her (if he didn't Emi would make damn sure that she woke Mayuri up herself), but before he gave her over to her mother he would give her a bath. After all it was about time that he climbed out of bed and got ready to leave home.

He got out of bed and walked over to his bedroom door, sliding it open and stepping outside. Servants were already scurrying about, tending to their duties. He stopped one of them as she came towards him and instructed her to ready his bath. Once it was prepared, he stepped in completely naked, daughter in hand and as the girl bathed him he bathed Emi.

She loved taking baths. The entire time she laughed and giggled and smiled her toothless smiled and slapped the water, splashing Sesshomaru and herself. She rubbed her gums against her knuckles and stared up at him with his big, beautiful green eyes of hers. She was adorable indeed. As were all of his children, but as the baby, she was the one that was most doted upon.

"That's enough." He told the girl and climbed out of the bath.

As she dried him off he dried off Emi and wrapped her in a dry towel, nice and tight and cozy so that she would get cold in her nakedness. His own towel was tied around his waist and he walked back to his bedroom where, as he had hoped, Mayuri was awake. He dressed Emi before handing her over to her mother and went to dress himself. He donned a dark blue haori with his typical flower pattern in a deep, almost golden yellow and dark blue umanoribakama, his usual armour and a burgundy and grey version of his obi, Bakusaiga and Tenseiga at his hip.

"I'm off." He told Mayuri before walking over to the bed, kneeling beside it and giving her a long, sweet kiss.

"I will try to make it back for lunch." He said after kissing Emi, taking a swig from her mother, on her forehead and stroking her hair.

"We'll see if you have time for that today." Mayuri said.

It was amazing what a good night's sleep could do to someone. She seemed to be in such a good mood this morning. However, he knew that would change once the other children woke up. They really did know how to run her ragged.

"I will try my hardest." He kissed her again and was off.

As he strode through the halls of his home on his way down to the camp he stopped a servant girl and informed her that Mayuri had awaken and the children would be also be soon and that her bath and those of his children were to be prepared as well as their morning meals – he usually ate down at the camp, preferring to eat while his soldiers gave him their reports; kill two birds with one stone and start his day as soon as possible. Sesshomaru did just that when he got down to the camp.

The previous night was not that eventful; there were only four or five kidnappings – only one of which succeeded, Sesshomaru now had yet another missing human female whom he had to add to a list of nearly twelve. Most times these women reappeared pregnant with a hanyou child, some of them willing left with a youkai lover and others…well…and some of them were prostitutes many of women would turn up dead. There was the occasional male abductees and he was usually being held for some debt or the other he owed a powerful youkai; monetary or otherwise. There were only three murders and one case of robbery – at least which was reported. Often times the humans said nothing to Sesshomaru's soldiers for fear of the youkai who wronged them coming after them.

The humans were the usual victims, about ninety-five percent of the time. Youkai also fell victim to the same crimes but it was not very common – it was almost rare in fact.

Sometimes Sesshomaru had to hang his head in shame. His lands were not what one would have called perfectly peaceful before the arrival of the humans, crime existed everywhere. But it had not been so rampant. When the humans arrived the youkai saw it as easy pickings; humans now lived amongst them, they no longer needed to go out and hunt for them, their meals were right there. In the past if a youkai that lived on his lands went out and caught a human and brought them back and killed them he would not have looked twice, but these humans were his subjects, his people, it was his duty as their lord to ensure that they could live peaceful lives without fear whilst on his lands and many of the youkai saw his protecting of them as a betrayal to his race. But what could he do? They were as much his people as those same youkai.

It was like since the humans arrived his lands had turned into a hub of debauchery.

And yet those stupid humans still came.

One of his soldiers had asked a human resident, why they still came even though they knew how ugly it was. He was told that they came because of Sesshomaru; he looked after his people, human or youkai and those who harmed others and disturbed the peace were always, _always_, brought to justice. This was true of course; Sesshomaru always found his man. In the three years that the humans had been moving there, not one of the offenders had slipped away from him and they were always given the severest of punishments – death. He needed to set an example, he needed to show his youkai subjects that they could not treat his human subjects in the manner they had been and they would not get away with it, not with a minor slap on the wrist, definitely not. He needed to restore order to his lands; he needed to be home with his mate and children like he used to be; when he actually had time to help Mayuri with them.

He sighed; this would soon come to an end. His work and that of his soldiers was starting to make an impact, the crime rate was dropping. Not quickly but the fact that it was dropping was good enough for him, at this point, soon enough his soldiers wouldn't even need him to be there at the camp with them almost all day and could handle things down there on their own and he could run things from his home and actually spend time with his family.

It was funny how a mate and children could change a person. Thirteen years ago, long before he had even met Mayuri, if someone told him he would be living the life he had now he would have brushed them off as simply having wishful thoughts and maybe even being delusional. He was not one to settle down but his life had changed when Naraku rose to power, when Rin walked into his life and when Naraku finally met his demise. Everything shifted, changed; his priorities were completely different after all that happened in that time of his life. He was glad he met Mayuri when he did, if he had met her two or so years earlier he would not have the life he now had and he could not imagine his life being any other way.

He tried, as promised and succeeded; he would be going back home for lunch today.

When he got home he found his children at the table eating and his mate taking a bath.

"I didn't get a chance to this morning, running around behind the children and all." She explained, looking to her mate who was leaning against the wall, his eyes fixed on her naked form.

He loved her body even more now that they had children. Her hips had expanded and her breasts had gotten considerably larger…as had that bottom of hers he loved oh so much. Her stomach wasn't as flat as it had once been but that was not even an issue. Ever stretch mark was a testament to the seven lives she had carried in her womb, seven lives he had helped her create, seven lives that were half his. He loved those little lines of stretched and damaged skin.

She poured a bucket of water over her head, washing the soap from her skin. She took her long, thick, jet-black hair in her hands and squeezed it, removing all of the excess water before throwing it over her shoulder and shaking it out. She stepped out of the tub and walked over to where her mate stood, next to her towel and other bathing necessities. The second she got close to him she smelt it on him and a dread washed over her. Before she could open her mouth to protest, he had her pressed up against the wall where his back had once been. Her soft breasts pressed against the hard wood and his erection on her back. One of his hands held her breast and squeezed and kneaded and rubbed.

"Sesshomaru…" She breathed.

"Mayuri…" He whispered in her ear, his desire heavy on his lips.

"Stop." She pleaded.

He squeezed harder. Pressed against her harder.

"Whatever for?" He asked her, his voice still nothing but a whisper.

She placed her hands on the wall and pushed herself off, took his hand and removed it from her body. He backed off then and stared into her eyes when she turned to face him.

"I said no three months ago and I stand by it even now." She said firmly.

"Why do you reject me? We are mated now, you have no reason to." He said as he placed his hand on the wall behind her.

"I don't have a reason? I have s_even_ reasons thank you and their names are Ichiro, Daijiro, Sanyu, Hana, Jin, Kosuke and Emi thank you very much!" She replied, brows furrowed and pouting.

He knew she was angry. But by kami she was adorable when she pouted.

"They are not here right now and won't be for quite the long while. We can do what we want and they will never know." He told her in his deep baritone, trying to persuade her to let him ravish her right there and then.

Mayuri sighed and took up her towel, wrapping it around herself and walking away from Sesshomaru, feeling trapped standing between him and the wall.

"That isn't the reason Sesshomaru." She said.

"Then tell me what it is. You have been denying me ever since Emi was born. What is the matter?" He asked folding his arms and leaning against the wall as he had been doing before.

"Sex leads to babies Sesshomaru and I do not want more of those. Not right now. I have my hands full with these seven. I am exhausted and frustrated. I cannot handle another child. Not until these ones are old enough to take care of themselves." She explained, running her fingers throw her wet hair and gripping the towels he held around her even tighter.

"You never told me of this." He said, narrowing his eyes.

"Should I have to? You know how busy they keep me, how they rub my nerves raw. I shouldn't have to. And how would you know anyways you are never here!" Mayuri said, clearly upset.

"You know why I cannot be here with you. You know I have my duties as lord; the protection of my people. You know how chaotic it is outside of these walls, you know how they suffer each and every day. I have to restore order and peace to my lands." Sesshomaru said knowing he need not explain himself but surprised and almost insulted that Mayuri would take his responsibilities as lord so lightly, especially when she knew the state his lands were in.

"At the expense of your mate? You children? Your family?" Mayuri asked.

Sesshomaru narrowed his eyes further.

"You are being unreasonable Mayuri. You know how busy I am." He said.

She scoffed.

"And so do you and yet you still expect me to open my legs for you and risk having another child when I am clearly overwhelmed and if you cannot see that I am then you really are spending way too much time away from home." Mayuri said in one breath.

"I am a faithful man Mayuri and you know this. But I can clearly see now why my fellow lords have mistresses. Why I myself once preferred to be alone and without a mate." Sesshomaru said. It was not a threat, not in the least.

Mayuri stomped over to Sesshomaru, quickly closing the space between them and her open palm met his cheek.

"Don't you dare make such comments to me. I am your mate, not your property and if I do not wish to sleep with you I shall not. If you want to find yourself a mistress fine, just know that the second you do me and those seven children walk out of your life for good." With that said Mayuri stormed out of the room.


	3. Chapter 3

Mayuri stared off into the distance, not really looking at anything in particular, her eyes unfocused. Absentmindedly she rocked the child in her arms as she slept soundly (the others were running around the yard playing), having screamed herself into tiredness for the thousandth time. It was one of those "I'm screaming for now reason" type sessions; the most stressful of all Emi's screams simply because Mayuri had no clue how to calm her child, no idea what she wanted. It frustrated her to no end and often times she found herself staring down into the child's screaming face with tears in her eyes, repeatedly asking her what it was that she wanted, why she was screaming, why she couldn't just tell her why. Anger and helplessness were what she felt during those screaming sessions. There were no tears today however. It was one of those times when she just set Emi down and just waited for her to finished, one of those times when she was just too tired to muster up tears.

It wasn't her daughter's endless screaming that she pondered as she stared off into space on this afternoon. Other things plagued her mind. It was her argument with Sesshomaru and the slap which had ended it. They argued so much these days. Not to say that their relationship was perfect and they had never argued, of course they had, they were like any other couple. But it was the frequency of their arguments which weighed heavy on her mind today. They were arguing a lot more often now and she didn't like it one bit. She knew it was only because both of them were stressed, having their own responsibilities and what not and they just needed outlets for their frustrations (from said responsibilities, what the other wasn't doing and whatever else) and those same frustrations...that same stress had created a strain in their relationship. And it had gone virtually unnoticed.

How did this happen? When did this happen? How long had it been _happening_?

It happened so slowly, the strain had built so gradually that neither of them had noticed and that last argument, the first one they had that he had actually said something like that to her and she was actually provoked enough to slap him, made it all clear to her. Her relationship with her mate had been laid bare in front of her and she could see that she and her mate, the man she loved and father of her children, were suffering some serious problems.

She couldn't speak for her mate, but she knew within her heart that at some point she had started to resent him and she knew exactly why; he just wasn't there anymore, not like he used to be, not since those humans decided to set up home on their lands. He was absent from her life and those of her children. She missed him and they missed him. She had no help with her children anymore and with more of them since he'd become so busy it was even more difficult, stressful and frustrating. It would be so much easier if he was just there to help her. She knew that. And he wasn't. He couldn't be. Not yet. And she resented him for it even though it wasn't his fault.

She blamed the humans.

If it wasn't for them she would have her mate and her children would have their father. He would be there with here every second of everyday like he used to be. They would have time for each other. He would have time for his children. Everything would be the way it used to be. She wanted it all to go back to how it once was. When they were happy, when they didn't fight as much…when there was no strain. Stupid little pests! Not only did they cause chaos in her lands but they caused chaos in her relationship as well. She wanted them out. All of them! She wanted her mate back.

But she knew that wasn't the only source of the strain in their relationship. She knew it was something she was doing but she did not feel guilty about it at all. It was the fact that she would not let her mate touch her.

Mayuri knew her mate had quite the sexual appetite and she never had a problem keeping up with him before since they were pretty much on par with each other, but that wasn't the case anymore. She was always exhausted and had no energy for his ravishing, plus, she did not want any more children at this point. The seven she had already were enough for the moment, more than enough, anymore and she would just die from the demand it would put on her, physically and emotionally. Sesshomaru had to understand that.

Despite what Sesshomaru said she knew her mate. She knew he would not be unfaithful. At least she hoped so. What she was certain of was that he loved her and she knew he would never intentionally hurt her. But just the thought of him being with another woman…she couldn't even bare it. It was customary for those of her mate's station to have mistresses, she knew this and she knew it well but just because it was customary didn't mean the women who had to deal with adulterous mates did not hurt, it did not mean that they liked it or did not mind.

Sesshomaru was different; after witnessing firsthand the pain his father had inflicted on his mother by courting a human mistress, the same woman who produced his brother, he vowed to Mayuri he would not have her suffer the same way. He promised that would never happen to them.

She remembered the day he made her that promise. It was only days after they had mated and the first day she had set foot in his home. They lied on the bed completely naked and sweating. She was on her back and he was on his side. They were staring at each other, just soaking up the moment, and he had brushed a hair away from her face. It was then that he had made his vow, had sworn to her he would never hurt her, not in that way. He'd kissed her and then ravished her.

Men often made such promises. Men often broke such promises. That was the reality. Some men thought, kept such promises and she hoped and wished and wanted to be sure that Sesshomaru was one of those men. She wanted to believe in her mate. She very much wanted to. But his comment…it rattled her, shocked her, hurt her and had forced doubt into her heart. Not just doubting him, but doubting herself and her own decisions, her stances and choices. She was firm on her stance of now sleeping with her mate. Her sanity outweighed everything else. What she was doubting, wondering if she should change her mind about, was if she shouldn't let him have mistress.

She loved Sesshomaru. She loved him so much. She wanted to make him happy and if this did, even if she knew she wouldn't like it, didn't like it, then maybe…She sighed. Mayuri knew he was frustrated, knew he need his release, knew her mate. Maybe this way, if she gave him permission, then she wouldn't be so angry and it wouldn't hurt her so much. Maybe he would be less frustrated and stressed and antsy and they would fight less. Maybe it would help them or maybe even save them. Maybe she _should_ let him get what she couldn't provide from someone else. Again she sighed. Just thinking about it, even if she did give her permission, it hurt, not just because her Sesshomaru would be with someone else but that she was just crazy enough to think about doing that.

Her hand came to her face, her head was bowed and tears started to form in her eyes, fall on her sleeping daughter. As hard as she tried to stop her tears – she never let her children see her cry, they didn't need to know that something was wrong, she didn't want them to know, to worry – she couldn't help the sobs that shook her frame, the physical ache that gripped her heart and twisted her stomach, made her sick. Did Sesshomaru realise how much his comment had affected her?

Tiny hands wrapped around her wrist and removed her hand from her face. When she looked up six pairs of young, innocent, concerned eyes were staring at her, each and everyone swollen with tears that didn't dare fall, each and everyone displaying for the world to see the fear her children felt.

"Momma?" Sanyu ask, his fear even more evident in his voice.

"Oh no, no, no don't cry. I'm fine. I'm good. Everything is fine. Momma is just feeling a little tired. Okay?" She said, sucking up her tears and injecting happiness into her voice.

Their faces lit up then, reassured by their mothers words they wiped their eyes and ran off to resume their playing, all except one. The eldest and the one that would know better than the others.

"Is it really?" Ichiro asked. He doubted his mother's words. He was still scared. He was already worrying.

Mayuri smiled at her son. It felt almost unnatural at the moment.

"Yes. It is. Don't worry baby." She said as she wiped away her tears.

Still he did not move. He only stood there and watched her, the fear and worry still on his face were now accompanied by a look of pondering, his tears had disappeared.

"Sweetie –"

She was cut off by the weight of her son on her chest, his arms wrapped around her neck as he held her as closely and tightly as he could without crushing his little sister. Her eyes went wide with surprise. She wrapped her free hand around his back and squeezed his shoulder, closing her eyes and new tears threatened to fall. They were stuck in that position far longer than a regular hug would have lasted and when he let her go, he gave his mother a kiss on her cheek and instead of returning to his siblings and playing with them, he sat next to her and rested his head on her arm.

Smiling and moved by her son's actions, Mayuri lifted her arm and placed it on his leg, pulling him closer to her as he rested his head on her chest. She rubbed his arm as she placed a kiss on the crown of his head.

"I love you Ichiro. All of you. Never forget that. Promise?"

She felt him nod against her chest.

Mayuri was able to stop her tears his time, she had to. Her son didn't need to worry anymore about her; it was her job to worry about him. He didn't need to worry any more than he already did. He didn't need to worry at all.

A/N: This chapter took on a life of its own. I did not intend for it to go the way it did or for it to be so sad. But it's given me some ideas for later chapters, I may use them I may not but I have some ideas. It kind of hurt me writing Mayuri's feelings. She is so sad. I did not mean for her to be this depressed but what she is feeling is so real, so many women feel this way in real life and I want this to be as realistic as possible so I just felt like I had to leave it as is.

Hope you like.


	4. Chapter 4

His day had begun on a sour note.

He'd awoken this morning to find his mate lying in their bed with her back to him. But he knew she was awake. A sadness he had never felt from her radiated from her back and he knew he was the cause of it; he knew that his words had hurt her more than anything probably ever did and he was sorry for it and felt incredible guilt. But being Sesshomaru, he never once showed it. He was always a man of few words so when he slipped deeply into his thoughts and pondered upon their argument, no one questioned him or worried or wondered. They were used to seeing him that way, so he did not have to be anxious about people speculating as to why he was so quiet and assuming that he must be dwelling on some problem he and his mate were having.

Sesshomaru was a private person and he didn't want his personal life to be scrutinized.

This wasn't his foremost concern however, what really mattered to him at the moment was his relationship with Mayuri and the problem – maybe even _problems – _ they were facing at this point in their relationship, the hurt he had caused the woman he loved and why he felt the need to say such harsh words.

He had promised never to hurt her and yet he had. In one of the most painful of ways and he had no idea why. He knew he was stressed, he knew he was frustrated, he knew that his relationship was suffering and yet he did something that obviously would have and did in fact make the situation worst. The stress and frustration he felt were no excuse for what he said and he knew it. Those words should never have left his mouth and if he could he would have taken them back, everything he said to her that day he would have taken back because in retrospect, he could see that he was being very unreasonable and even selfish.

Instead of holding her and comforting her and reassuring her that everything would be alright and they would get through this, he hurt her with what might as well have been a slap in the face. Much in the same way she had slapped him.

But Mayuri had hurt him as well.

How did she think he felt every time she denied him? Sesshomaru was a man of great pride and to be rejected like that was something that he did not like or took well. Before her rejection had only fueled his need to have her, his desire to me her his, but not that she was his it had the opposite effect. It made him feel like she was no longer attracted to him, like she no longer wanted him or felt satisfied by him. It was why he had said she no longer had a reason to reject him; he wanted her to tell him why and give him a reason why she was acting the way she was. Now that he knew why she continued to deny him he did not feel so hurt but the feeling was still there.

She had good reason to threaten to leave him but those words had cut deep, hurt him just as much as his words had hurt her. He loved her so much that just the thought of her leaving him and thus ending their ten year relationship made his chest tighten and his heart ache.

What was the sense of him working so hard to bring peace to his lands once again if the eight reasons he was doing it were no longer there for him to protect? He knew she was lonely and missed him greatly but he was working so hard because he wanted his family to be safe. If she was gone, if they were gone, he would have no more reason to do this. He would have no more reason actually live life; he would simply exist without a purpose like he had in those years between the death of Naraku and his meeting her. He couldn't go back to that, he didn't want to.

Of course he could always find another mate but that was not what he wanted. The only mate he wanted was Mayuri. She was the only woman for him. He wanted and would have no other.

When they were arguing, instead of listening to what it was that Mayuri was saying to him all he was focusing on was how sexy she looked when she was angry. Instead of being there for his mate he was angry with her because she wouldn't lie with him.

Despite this, he felt like his anger was misdirected and was coming from a completely different place. He wasn't angry because she wouldn't lie with him; he was lonely. He was angry because he missed his mate and he wanted to spend time with her, something that was so rare these days. Thinking about it now he realised he should have just tried to spend time with her and the children and not try to sleep with her. It was that simple. His sexual frustration had gotten the best of him that day and it should not have.

He had been trying to get rid of his loneliness the wrong way. He saw that now.

That explained his anger, but there still wasn't an explanation for his words. Why did he even think them? Far less say them. The more he thought about it and the more he delved into his feelings it began to dawn on him. Deep down, he really did want to have a mistress. As much as he did not want to hurt Mayuri, he knew that it was what he wanted; a substitute for his mate until he was able to have that time to spend with her. He wanted a solution for his loneliness and an outlet for his sexual frustrations and that was what a mistress was.

Before, he and Mayuri had no problems when it came to sex; their sex life was better than they could have ever hoped for. Even after they had their first few children. They were like two lusty rabbits and could not keep their hands off of each other and they were adventurous and it was never boring. That was how they showed their love and affection and passion for each other, though Mayuri was far more of a romantic and more sentimental but she got that he was not like that and did not try to force him to. They had a lot of sex. In fact it was far more than sex; they had intimacy.

And now it was all but gone.

He missed that. Craved it even. Though he knew he could not have that same intimacy and connection with a mistress, knew it would only be sex and nothing more, he still wanted that. He still desired it and as he thought about it his promise to Mayuri played over and over and over again in his mind. The conviction he had said it with and the feeling he felt when he had and his thoughts about how no matter what happened he would never ever break that promise.

And he felt awful for even thinking of doing just that.

Not only would he be breaking his promise to Mayuri he would be breaking a promise he made to himself; never to become his father. By having a mistress he would be doing just that and it angered him that he would be so weak, that he would do the one thing he swore never to do and would hate himself most for. He did not want to be his father's son. He did not want to make the same mistakes. He did not want his relationship to become his parents'. That was not the plan he had for himself or his children. For his family. That could not happen. His life would not turn out that way.

As many reasons as he gave himself not to do it, he found himself coming up with reasons to do.

Since she was always home and he was always at the camp, she would never know. It wasn't like his soldiers would say anything to her. That was what men did; they kept secrets for each other, even when it came to infidelity. And if she didn't know, he wouldn't be hurting her and therefore, he would not be doing what his father had done to his mother; his relationship would not end because of this. He would get what he wanted; release and no emotional pain what so ever being inflicted upon Mayuri because of him. He would not be breaking his promise. As soon as things settled down in his lands and he could be with his mate, he would no longer need his mistress and could simply toss her aside. After all he would not love her; he couldn't since he loved Mayuri. It would mean nothing at all to him on an emotional level. There would not be any risk there either.

Sesshomaru now had a choice to make; to have a mistress or not to have a mistress. And he had no idea, which one he wanted more.


	5. Chapter 5

It was the first morning in what seemed like forever that had actually been awake at the same time. It was not much of a surprise however; they had barely even slept the night before. Like many nights as of late, they had "slept" with their backs to the other, paying no attention to each other. They simply lied there and thought, listened, breathed.

The last few nights were unlike any other; even though they hardly had time for each other, when they slept he would hold her in his arms or she would rest her head on his shoulder or chest and they would speak about the day's events as sleep slowly claimed them, caressing each other and kissing foreheads, fingers, noses, cheeks and hair. There was still some essence of warmth between them in those few fleeting moments that they actually had each other to themselves.

But now, after this last argument, certainly not the biggest, but the most hurtful they had had thus far, had forced them into silence. They had nothing to say to each other at all. It was not as if they were still angry at each other. In fact that was far from the truth; the pain and the guilt still weighed heavy on them, they didn't have the heart to say anything to each other.

Their emotions would be in every word they'd say, in every sound they would make. What they were feeling would be painfully evident in their voices. Even for the ever so stoic Sesshomaru. Did he realise, like Mayuri had, that his voice got just the slightest bit deeper whenever he was upset? That his always relaxed face had the faintest hint of frown lines in his forehead? If they said a word to each other they wouldn't only feel the guilt and the pain, they would hear it. The sound would be deafening. It would surround and encapsulate them, almost suffocate them.

They wouldn't be able to take it.

This was not the first time they went days without speaking to each other after an argument. There were times when they gave each other the silent treatment. But this time it was much harder.

She could hear him moving about the bedroom and getting ready for his day. She heard their bedroom door open, then the soft thud of the door closing. He had gone for his morning bath. Now she was in their bedroom alone…and it didn't feel all that much different from when he was in the room.

For the first time since she'd lain in that bed the night before, she rolled over on her stomach and looked at the ceiling, resting her hands on her stomach. She wanted to talk to him. She really truly did. Mayuri missed him more now than she did before. There was nothing worse than having him there, and then him still being absent.

In some small way she felt a little responsible for his silence, she felt a little guilty sometimes about him not talking to her, for them not talking to each other. But then she would remind herself that it was _him_ who had stepped out of line. It was _him _who had brought this on them. But then she would go back to feeling guilty. She would tell herself that maybe she should have just told him why she didn't want to sleep with him, why she rejected him in the first place, instead of just keeping it to herself and leaving him to wonder and be frustrated. Then she would go back to what she said in their argument: "She should not have to tell him!"

Maybe she was right, maybe she was wrong.

She heard him approaching and started to turn over to lie on her side and stopped herself. Did she really, truly, want to not see him? Did she really not want to have to look at him?

After a few seconds of thought, she returned to her position of lying on her back and staring at the ceiling.

The door slid open and she could see in her peripheral vision that Sesshomaru had stopped and had stared at her. She wanted to smile, wanted to raise her eyebrow and turn to him, ask him what he was looking at, but she thought better of it and simply kept her mouth shut and held her body still. He walked inside and closed the door, walking over to their dresser and taking out his clothes for the day.

She heard the ruffle of fabric as he removed the thin fabric covering his naked body, leaving it to fall on the floor. She knew his routine and didn't need to look at him to tell that he had moved his knee-length hair to cascade over his shoulder and was not slipping on the under layers of his clothing. Now he was putting on his haori, his hakama, moving his hair from over his shoulder and putting on his obi, his armour, fixing his swords firmly at his side. Right now he would be combing his hair.

Usually one of his servant girls would do all of this for him, but whenever he and Mayuri weren't getting along he did it himself. She didn't know why but she assumed it was because he didn't want any servants in the room with him and Mayuri when there was tension between them, didn't want them to speculate as to what was going on with them, or, he simply did it just to have a few moments when his mind was occupied with other things besides whatever they were going through at the time.

He came to the side of the bed, the side she was lying on, and got his boots. He slipped them on and headed out the door.

oOo

He sat at his desk in his tent inside the camp. Since he had come to the camp earlier that morning, it was all he had done; head down in a mountain of written reports and updates on the several, almost more than he could handle, operations and missions he had going on at the time. Despite the drop in crimes, he was still working on far older ones; unsolved murders, hunting down missing persons –mostly women and young children – rapists and thieves and those kinds of things. It was time consuming work and required most of his concentration, energy and attention.

He knew very well that even after his lands returned to normal he would still have to deal with past crimes and criminals.

Sesshomaru sighed. The majority of these documents dealt with crimes in which there were no leads what so ever, never had been any or there hadn't been any in a very, very long time. He knew that some of them he would never be able to solve, never be able to bring solace and closure to the families of the victims and now a man with a family of his own, he knew how hard that could be. He couldn't imagine losing his Mayuri and their children. The life they all shared together.

He had a new sense of sympathy, maybe even empathy, towards his subjects.

Just looking at the number of reports on his desk made him feel the pang of stress, just reading them and knowing he would most likely never be able to resolve many of them and knowing there would be many more to come made him feel stressed and whenever Sesshomaru got stressed...his mind went to his favourite stress reliever.

Those thoughts triggered thoughts of Mayuri and how he would pleasure her and ravish her and make her peak and then he would think about how he couldn't, how she wouldn't allow him to, and then he would think about his desire for a mistress and then his internal argument would start. He shouldn't, he should. He couldn't, he could. He wouldn't, he would. Back and forth and back and forth, knowing what the right decision would be, but wanting oh so badly to make the wrong one. To let himself fall into that type of behaviour if only for a moment; if only to feel wanted.

All of this wrapped up in between his thoughts of his argument with Mayuri, the same argument that made him realise his true desires. The argument that made him realise that he was slowly turning into his father.

But he couldn't help his urges, the pull and tug of his loins even though he knew that he wouldn't be fully satisfied by any female but Mayuri.

"Sesshomaru-sama!"

It was Hisano. The girl who brought him his breakfast, lunch and dinner and any other food he would ask for in between. She wasn't the only one who would serve him; there were other girls and the occasional male, there weren't many of those down in the kitchens. And like the rest of the kitchen staff, including the cook and the males, she served the soldiers more than just food.

"Come in."

She walked in and he studied her appearance. She had light brown hair that stopped right above her behind, which was quite flat. She was tall and slim; barely any curves and her breasts were large. He cleared his reports and documents from his desk and tucked them safely away. She came to his desk and laid his meal atop it. As she did this he looked into her eyes; brown. She gave him a smile and a come hither look.

Hisano stood at her full height and positioned her body so that the split in the front of her kimono would fall between her thighs and reveal her leg.

"Is there something more I can do for you my lord?" She asked with a seductive tone.

His eyes travelled up her leg, from her toes right up to her eyes and back down when he saw her hand go to her chest, opening her kimono slightly and revealing the skin of her chest. Her fingers slid lightly over her as she did this and she didn't have to make any sort of sound to let him know it had slightly aroused her; he could smell it and the scent was calling out to him. She was trying to seduce him...and he was very tempted.

He could feel his body warming up to her, responding to her attempts. He found himself acutely aware of the blood rushing through his veins and where it was headed, the dull ache in his back from sitting for so long that he hadn't noticed until right then and the stiffness in his neck. The smile that crept across her face indicated that she knew very well what she was doing to him and she opened her kimono wider.

"Well?" She asked, moving her hand down and lifting the split in her kimono higher.

He knew she knew he wanted her at the moment. As his body responded to her actions his mind was elsewhere; here was his opportunity to get what he so desired, to get the release he almost desperately needed and to ease his loneliness, if only for a little while. His temporary solution was staring him right in the face, seducing him. But this was also his opportunity to destroy his relationship with Mayuri, as well s his family. Were a few moments of pleasure really worth the last ten years of his life? He was torn.

Without waiting for an answer, she walked over to him, swaying her hips ever so seductively and studying his face as he watched her move, not once blinking. She lifted her leg, threw it over him and set herself down in his lap, straddling him. She pulled her thighs tight around his waist as she opened her kimono, let it slide down her shoulders and pool around her elbows. His eyes instantly went to his chest and she could feel his hardness pressing against her core.

Still stuck in his head Sesshomaru did nothing to stop her. He was still trying to decide whether or not he should do this or not, if he really, truly wanted this and he knew he had to decide fast, or she would make the decision for him and he would be at a point where he wouldn't be able to stop.

He felt her slide her hands into his haori and push the fabric over his shoulders and down his arms as she pressed her breasts into his chest. The scent of her arousal was getting stronger, as he was sure his was, and he could feel himself getting harder. Before he could react her lips were on his and in a second he had her pinned beneath him, on the floor, breasts in full view, panting and smiling with his fingers tangled in her hair.

A/N: Sorry for the long wait. I haven't been very well these past couple of weeks, so nice long chapter for ya :P. I wanted to leave this ambiguous; some people I know would not really like the idea of Sesshomaru cheating on Mayuri, while others wouldn't so much mind so I think this is a good compromise. You can make up your own minds as to whether or not he did sleep with her. I have my own opinion. So let me know what you think. If you like the direction the story is going in and all that. Till next time.

Adios.


	6. Chapter 6

There was still silence between them.

But now it was heavier, there was more tension, more guilt and on top of all the emotions swirling between them there was shame, disgust and self-loathing added to them now.

None of the latter emotions came from Mayuri; these came from her mate, these came from Sesshomaru.

He was silent before but now he was even more silent, even more trapped in his head. Going over and over again the actions that took place, feeling sick to his stomach about what he had done. About how he had gotten so close and so intimate with a woman who wasn't his Mayuri, wasn't his mate and the mother of his seven children. Seven little people that if she ever found out would be lost to him forever; children he would never see or hear from again as long as she had a say in the matter.

He knew the temper she had. The amount of spite she held in that petite frame of hers. She could be vicious and vengeful when she wanted to. _Really_ wanted to and had good reason.

And this; what he had done, his actions, were reason enough. Certainly and undoubtedly.

She could never find out. _Ever._ If she did that would be the end of him, the end of them, the end of what he had spent ten years of his life building, supporting, protecting, loving and cherishing. The one thing he had done in all his life that he could say was actually worth something; worth more than the power he had sought, worth more than Tesusaiga, the sword he had spent, wasted, so much of his life and time searching for and trying to obtain His life would be ruined. Ultimately in shambles. He had no idea how he would deal, how he would survive if that ever happened; if he lost his mate and his family and his life, his very reasons for living and trying so hard to restore peace to his lands.

Everything he did and was doing now would be for nothing. All the time he'd spent, energy and effort he had put into all of this would lose all meaning. And it would all be his own fault.

How could he have screwed up like this? How could he have done such a thing to his mate, to his children, to himself?

Sesshomaru was not a man to show any sort of emotion. That was not his way. But now, in this his lowest point in his life he did not have the energy or will to keep his stoic mask in place. Plus, he was alone was he not? No one would see.

Using both his hands he ran his fingers through his hair, leaving them stuck there at the nape of his neck and leaning over and planting his forehead on his desk as his expression shifted from relaxed and calm to that of a man who felt extreme guilt.

Sesshomaru was not a man who regretted anything he did or said. That was not his way. But now, as a man who had found love and held onto it with an iron fist and an intensity that would strike fear into the hearts of anyone, as a man who had made a promise to himself that he would never become like the man who had broken his mother' heart, would never do to his own mate what this man had done to his own…regret was one of those new emotions he was now discovering and becoming tremendously familiar with.

He had betrayed himself not only Mayuri, not only his children. He had done what he set out not to do. He had become what he never wanted to be. Now he was left to wallow in an ocean of self-loathing and shame – something he never thought he would feel or experience.

He was Sesshomaru for pity's sake! He was not a weak man! He was not one to be emotional! He was one not to keep his word! He was not a man who would bend so easily to his impulses! He was not an adulterous whore!

He was stronger than this. He was better than this. This was not who he was. This was not something he would do. Ever! And yet he had. And yet he had defiled himself and his relationship in an irrevocable way.

Over time, he hoped he would be able to get over this. Maybe not forget what he had done, but forgive himself at least and move on. He knew if he continued to carry this around on his shoulders that he and Mayuri would never get out of their funk. He knew that she would notice and ask and he didn't know if he could lie to her, directly, about something like this. Not telling her wasn't easy but it wasn't quite so hard, but having to look her in her eyes – those beautiful green eyes – and actually say something to her that was absolutely false was just something he was not sure he was capable of.

He lifted his forehead from his desk and removed his fingers from his hair. He closed his eyes, cleared his mind and just breathed. Taking a moment to collect himself. After a few much needed minutes, he returned his face to its normal relaxed expression.

oOo

She pulled the covers up to his chin and kissed his forehead before stroking his hair. She smiled down at the miniature version of her mate; the spitting image of Sesshomaru, except for the freckles on his nose and shoulders. She rose from her position on the bed and walked over to the other side where his twin sister lay. She too was the spitting image of Sesshomaru, except she had not freckles. She too received a kiss on the forehead.

"I love you my darlings." She whispered.

They were so adorable when they slept.

She moved from the bed and left the bedroom, sliding the door closed slowly and gently, barely making a sound. As she walked to her bedroom, the one she shared with Sesshomaru –who was already there – she thought about the current state of their relationship.

They still were not talking and she honestly did not like the silence between them. She missed her mate; now it was like he wasn't there at all and he might as well be, considering. It wasn't like she didn't want to talk to him, she did. It was just that she was much too stubborn to make the first move and be the one to initiate conversation – power struggle and all. They were always like that.

She was at her bedroom door and she knew that he knew she was standing out there. She placed her hand on the door and took a deep breath before sliding it open.

He sat on their bed, staring right at her as she walked through the door. The look in his eyes, though his face was completely relaxed like always, made her stop for a moment. He looked so sad. She guessed the silence between them was hurting him as much as it was hurting her. How could she not talk to that face?

She turned around and slid the door closed and in the few seconds it took she formulated in her head what she would say to Sesshomaru for the first time in a long time.

Mayuri never got to say those words.

The second she turned around she was swooped up in Sesshomaru's and pulled tightly against his body, lifting her almost off the ground so that she was on the very tip of her toes. The action, the suddenness of it, made her gasp. One of his arms was around her waist, holding onto her so tightly that even with her own strength – almost right on par with his – if she tried to escape she most certainly could not. The other arm wrapped around her back and snaked its way up until his hand was on the back of her head and his fingers were tangled in her jet black hair. He was holding possessively and almost desperately and as she looked into his amber eyes from this much closer distance, that sadness was even more evident.

Her palm came to rest on his neck as her thumb stroked his magenta striped cheek.

"Sesshomaru?" She said, almost worried.

He didn't say a word.

Sesshomaru simply tilted her head back slightly and she closed her eyes as he placed a chaste kiss on her lips. No tongue or passion or anything like that. Just a simple peck.

He pulled away from her, but only so much that there was barely any space between their lips and between their faces. She opened her eyes and saw him looking into them. Closing his eyes and rubbed the tip of his nose against her own and she followed suit. He moved from her nose to her cheeks, her eyes, her forehead, her chin and her lips (she kissed his nose then).

Then he was back where he started; eyes open, staring at her and their faces and lips barely an inch apart.

"I'm sorry." He said.

And before she could even respond he had her legs wrapped around his waist, kissing her wildly and passionately as he walked over to their bed. He didn't even lay her down on her back; all he did was sit in the middle of the bed with Mayuri straddling him as they kissed.

She couldn't think, couldn't breathe with his lips on hers so suddenly. With him touching her and kissing her in a way that she hadn't let him in so long, in a way that she had wanted him to for so very long but couldn't let him. She placed her hands on his chest and as much as she didn't want to, pulled away

"Sesshomaru…you know I can't." She said with a pleading look on her face.

He pushed her now tussled hair away from her face and kissed her forehead, her cheeks, her nose. He was being so affectionate.

"I'm not trying to sleep with you." He said in a matter-of-fact tone. "I just want to kiss you and make you feel better. I want to apologize."

"Oh." It was all she could say.

Not that she felt foolish for automatically thinking he was trying to sleep with her, she just couldn't find anything else to say. She was speechless.

Because she said nothing, he took her face in both his hands and leaned her into him, kissing her slowly and gently this time; taking more care and being more patient. He continued to touch her and caress her and make her body feel like it hadn't in more than six months. Every so often she felt herself leaning towards that one forbidden action, but he never once went so far.


	7. Chapter 7

She could do nothing but lie on her side and stare at his sleeping form.

There had been a change in him yesterday and she didn't know why there had been or what had caused that change, but she liked it. Hell she loved it! And she didn't care what had caused the change; all she knew was that she and her mate were talking again and for once she wasn't the one who had reinitiated conversation between them.

She had the old Sesshomaru back; the Sesshomaru that was the ever so affection lover, the Sesshomaru that would just sweep her up into his arms and just love her like the world was going to end right that second and they would never see each other again and that was his moment, his _final _moment, to show her just how much he loved, adored and cared for her; the passionate Sesshomaru that she'd been close to up until recently; the Sesshomaru with whom she shared such a beautiful intimacy that every time she thought of him and looked at him, her heart would swell with love and melt all at the same time.

Mayuri had her mate back and she was more than happy.

The handsome, if not beautiful, man that lied sleeping on his side beside her, the man that was the love of her life was, is and forever would be her perfect mate. She had no regrets in choosing to live the rest of her immortal life with him. Yes, they had quite the few problems in their relationship at present and other such things but what couple didn't? It was part of the relationship, any relationship for that matter – romantic or otherwise – not necessarily a welcomed one but it was and nothing could change that. It was a fact of life and reality.

He did have his little habits that annoyed her and he had quite the talent for angering her when he really wanted to (he liked to see her all mad and upset; he said it was the fire in her eyes when she was angry that turned him on) and he was quite the stubborn person. Despite that though, she still felt like he was the most perfect man on the planet; as close to perfection as any earthly being could get. Physically, emotionally, mentally, every aspect of her mate was at a level of perfection that seemed almost unfathomable.

And he was hers.

Only hers.

Forever.

And that true and simple fact made her feel like she was the luckiest and happiest woman in the entire world and beyond even that.

She reached out to his face and traced the magenta stripes that decorated his cheek with her fingertips, back and forth before running her fingers down the length of his long neck and over his proud shoulder and down his lean, muscular arm. Her eyes followed the actions of her fingers as they made their trail over his pale skin and when she looked up, she found him looking right at her and deep into her green eyes. He still had that look about him.

"Good morning." He said in his deep baritone, the residue of sleep thick in his voice.

"Good morning." She said with a smile.

He took her hand in his and raised it to his lips. Soft lips made contact with soft skin and she couldn't help but blush. After ten years he still had that effect on her. Sesshomaru took the back of her hand and rubbed it against her cheek, eyes closed and breathing in her scent and that of the fresh morning air as, for the first time in a long time, he simply lied in bed and enjoyed the morning.

"Aren't you going to be late?" Mayuri asked as she watched Sesshomaru rub the back of her hand against his cheek.

He did not answer immediately; he was thoroughly caught up in the feel of her soft skin against his face and the scent of her that filled the room. A scent that up until now he had not on one morning taken the time to fully take in, relish and appreciate. It was this scent, this hand that he wanted to keep with him for the rest of eternity. No question. No doubt.

He brought her hand to his lips again but let them linger on her skin for far longer. He savoured the taste of her; it was something he had not had in a long time, it was something he craved almost desperately and needed more than he could put into words.

When he released her hand, she ran her fingers through his hair and rested it on his shoulder. Absentmindedly, she caressed the skin of his shoulder with her thumb.

"I will. They can survive one morning without me I believe." He said, fully enjoying the feel of her skin rubbing against his own.

"So I have you all to myself this morning?" She asked with a wide smile on her face and pure joy evident in her tone.

"You have me all to yourself," He answered, leaning in to kiss her "Until the children awaken."

She giggled.

"Of course," She paused "Well then, I don't have to wait until tonight to give you what it is I want then."

Before he could ask her exactly what it was she wanted to give him, she had pushed him off of his side and onto his back before climbing on top of him.

"Oh." Was all he could muster.

He was completely dumbstruck by the suddenness of her action and surprised that she was actually on top of him in one of the most suggestive of positions. After months of denial and rejection, Mayuri was actually straddling him, was actually on him, and just the sight of her looking down at him with that seductive look in her eyes and her disheveled hair and loose fitting, almost strategically placed clothing was enough to arouse him.

Her thighs were completely exposed to him, the split in the front of her clothing just the slightest bit away from showing him the glorious nakedness that lied between said thighs and one side of her kimono fell over her shoulder and bundled at her elbow, the only thing keeping the fabric from exposing her entire breast to him was a hardened nipple.

Bending over she pressed her breasts against his chest, her no-longer-all-that-flat stomach on his hardened abdominals and her womanhood on his growing erection. She wove her fingers into his and kissed his soft lips as she rocked her hips, slowly and gently rubbing herself against him.

He moaned into her mouth. It was a low, deep, almost feral moan that spoke of how much he needed what he was now getting from her and she felt his entire body tense as pleasure filled his formed.

Mayuri broke their kiss and sat up, placed his hands on her hips and stopped rocking her hips against him.

"Now I don't want you to get all disappointed when I do what I intend. I'm letting you know now that this isn't sex, you know how I feel about that," She felt his body relax "Now now don't fret; there are other ways to pleasure you love, that don't require you to bury yourself deep within me…at least not in the way one would first think."

She bent over again and kissed his chin, licked it, then moved onto his neck – kissing, sucking and biting – before she travelled down to his chest and kissing her way downward to his rock hard stomach and then further still until her lips were pressed against another part of his body that was just as rock hard.

After giving his erection a much deserved kiss she licked the full length of it in one slow, fluid motion that made his entire body tense once again as a groan slipped between his lips. She kissed the tip of him and parted her lips slightly, still pressed against his flesh, and slid her tongue out of her mouth and back and forth against the head of his hardness. Forcing moan after moan and groan after groan out of her mate's lips as his muscles tensed more and more before relaxing as she removed her mouth from his flesh.

Her fingers closed around his length and with a gentle squeeze she started to stroke him. As her fingers moved so did her tongue, licking the head of his erection ever so often before she closed her lips around it.

His body was on fire.

The feel of his mate's lips and tongue on his hardened flesh sent warmth and a flurry of other such pleasurable sensations through his very tense body. He could feel them in his muscles, flowing through his blood and he could feel them right down to his very bones. He had forgotten she could do this to him; make his body feel so good that he could not even speak, could not even think, could not even breathe. Dear Kami she had a talented tongue.

He could only clutch the sheets and moan and pant as she continued with her actions.

She started to suck harder and faster and almost immediately his hips were at least an inch off of the bed, sliding more of him into her mouth. The action made her gag, she hadn't been prepared, and quickly remove her mouth from his erection. She simply caught her breath and continued to stroke his length before returning her mouth to him.

This time however, she did things a little differently.

Mayuri slid her mouth over him slowly and deliberately. More and more of him slid into her mouth and down her throat until all of him had disappeared. She held herself there for a short while before quickly pulling away and catching her breath. She did it again and again and again and a few more times after that. Each time his body would tense as she slid her mouth over him and relax once he was no longer within her. As she caught her breath her fingers continued to move up and down his erection.

Her lips slid onto him again and he shuddered, almost melted, as if his body had forgotten the pleasure she had given him in the short while her lips were absent.

She continued to lick and suck him closer and closer to his orgasm. Each movement of her tongue and lips against his hardness made him tense a little bit more. The closer he got the more pleasurable each stroke of her tongue became. He felt it building slowly, yet quickly, deep within his core. He held his breath.

His entire body shuddered almost violently and his breath came in quick, shallow pants as he spilled his seed deep in the back of her throat.

Mayuri swallowed it, _all of it_, as his body which had been tense only moments before, suddenly went limp beneath her. She smiled to herself, happy that she had done what she had set out to do; pleasure her mate. She was damn sure she had done as much, considering his current demeanor – he looked damn near exhausted…and hungry too as a matter of fact.

She climbed up his body and lied on top of him with her head on his chest. Immediately his hand came to stroke her jet-black hair. Turning her head towards his face, planting her chin in his chest, Mayuri looked at her mate and he looked down at her and she could see the complete satisfaction etched on his face, cold feel it on his skin.

"Good?" She asked.

He closed his eyes and sighed.

"Amazing." He sighed.

She brought her hands up to his shoulders and kissed his chest.

"I'm glad you're satisfied." She said and returned her head to its previous position; her cheek pressed against his hard chest.

They stayed that way for several minutes, with Sesshomaru stroking her hair as she listened to his heart beat. Then came the baby's cry, followed by the sounds of her noisy older siblings awakening for the day.

Mayuri sighed and moved to get up and go to her children, but Sesshomaru's hand stayed her.

"I shall deal with the children." He said.

Without even waiting for her to say anything, Sesshomaru climbed out of bed, slipped on some decent attire and left their room.

Sesshomaru thanked the Kami for that well timed cry. He needed to get out of his bedroom. He could not be in there with Mayuri. Not right now. Not after what she had just done for him. During, he hadn't thought about it at all, but now…he felt so guilty! She was so happy about the fact that they were talking again now, even more so because of the way their disagreement had been dissolved. She had demonstrated her loved for him, shown him how much she had missed him by giving him what he wanted from her the most.

But how could he accept her love when he knew that he had betrayed her?


	8. Chapter 8

It was a beautiful day. Made all the more special by the fact that Sesshomaru had taken the day off to spend it with her and the children; something he had been doing a lot of lately and the children, oh how they loved it. Today they were in the garden, in the middle of the day, with nothing else to do. Sesshomaru had taken the children from their lessons so they could all play together and he promised to train the boys, and the girls thanks to Mayuri's urging, now that he had more time; swordsmanship, hand to hand combat, strategizing and all that.

They were so much less restless when he was around, maybe because he actually got up and ran around with them, chased them and wrestled with the boys. All things she couldn't do since she had Emi in her arms all the while, but she had started to crawl and liked to get out of her arms every now and again so she could roam about on her own. By the time they went inside the children were all exhausted and just sat quietly doing whatever, having no energy to do anything but that, and actually went to sleep early; something that surprised her still.

She would have to get used to her usually rowdy children being quiet.

Mayuri guessed Sesshomaru was so attentive with them and played with them so much because he had missed them just as much as they had missed him and, she guessed, that was why they had been so rowdy and almost out of control; they wanted their father and he just wasn't there. Now however, they got what they wanted and they were happy once again. It made her smile, filled her heart with joy to see her family all together again and to witness the love that they all had for each other.

She could just cry.

Looking down at the child suckling at her breast, Mayuri stroked her rosy cheek with her index finger and caressed her already long jet-black hair that matched her own. Emi, holding onto her mother's hair, did little more than stare at Mayuri. But Mayuri knew it was more than a simple look, there was intelligence behind her daughter's gaze. She leaned over and gave her daughter a kiss on her cheek.

Turning her attention back to her older siblings, running around the garden, she saw Sesshomaru coming towards her. Sesshomaru being Sesshomaru, still had his stoic mask in place like always, but he had that slight smile on his lips. It did not reach his eyes however; he still looked sad to her. She thought not to mention it, that whatever was bothering him he would tell her eventually. But she was beginning to worry and didn't know how long she could go without knowing.

He got on his knees in front of her and the first thing he did was tickle Emi on her stomach. She laughed uncontrollably and turned all her attention to him, her hunger temporarily forgotten. When she turned to him he kissed her fat cheek and stroked her hair.

Once Emi had calmed down and continued her feeding, Sesshomaru turned his attention to his mate. Cupping her cheek he kissed her, his other hand on her thigh as he pressed closer to her yet careful not to crush his youngest. It wasn't a long, drawn out, I-want-to-take-you-to-my-bed kind of kiss; it was short, sweet, tender and a hey-I-came-to-keep-you-company-for-a-while kind of kiss.

He ran his fingers through her hair as he broke their kiss, watching his fingers move through her soft, wavy hair.

"Are you okay?" She asked suddenly, catching him off guard.

"Yes. I'm fine." He said and his mouth was suddenly dry.

He knew she wouldn't leave it at just that and take his word for it and he really did not like lying to Mayuri, not like this.

"Are you sure? It's just that you seem so sad." She explained.

'Dammit!' He thought. He had forgotten that she could read him. Not always, after all he had mastered his stoic persona, but sometimes all she had to do was look into his eyes and she could tell how he was feeling, but most of the time she just got a "vibe", as she called it, from him. Here intuitive nature had never really been quite so inconvenient.

"I have nothing to be saddened by." He answered.

Her brow furrowed and he could see that she was worried about him. He could see what was going through her mind.

Emi detached herself from Mayuri's breast. Before Mayuri could put her over her shoulder and burp her, the girl did it herself and was trying to wiggle free from her mother's arms, anxious to crawl around. Mayuri took her attention away from Sesshomaru for just one second to set Emi on all fours.

"There is nothing, _absolutely nothing_, bothering you?" She asked, stressing the words "absolutely" and "nothing" and as she waited for his answer, she looked directly into his eyes.

Such scrutiny, knowing that yes, something did bother him and that he was hiding it from her made him uncomfortable.

"Nothing." He almost choked on the word. It felt like poison was dripping from his lips.

Mayuri did nothing more than stare at him. Her head was cocked to the side and she had the most worried expression he had ever seen on her face. He couldn't take her gaze, wanted to just get up and walk away but he was frozen in place by the look in her eyes; the worry and the helplessness. He knew she didn't believe a word he said, but he knew she wouldn't press him. Those beautiful green eyes that he had fallen in love with were now clouded with emotions he did not wish her to feel…and it was his entire fault. There was no one else he could blame.

She knew he was lying. Knew that he was hiding something from her and it bothered him a great deal; Sesshomaru was not one to display emotion quite so easily. As much as she wanted to continue to question him, make him tell her what it was so she could stop worrying, she knew that was not the best thing to do. He had to come and tell her when he was ready. It was not her place, even if she was his mate, to force him to tell her something when he did not want to, at least not yet, she hoped.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Emi pick something up and raise it to her mouth. She immediately got up and ran over to her daughter.

"Emi no! Don't put that in your mouth!" She scolded.

She got down on her knees and took the stone from Emi, throwing it far away and dusting the dirt out of her tiny palm and wiping the spit softened dirt from Emi's face with her sleeve.

"How many times do I have to tell you not to put strange things in your mouth?" Mayuri asked, knowing full well that the nine month old would do it once again and most likely some time soon. She looked into her mouth, looking for dirt and smaller stones. There was dirt, but luckily do stones. She would have to take her inside and try to wash out her mouth the best she could.

Mayuri picked up Emi and held her over her shoulder. When she got to her feet, Sesshomaru was gone.

oOo

Thank the heavens for Emi and her fascination with putting things in her mouth. She had started doing it since the moment she learned to crawl. Infant curiosity. He made his study; he couldn't go to his bedroom since it would be the first place Mayuri would look for him. If he was in his study however, he knew she would not bother him.

He needed to get away from her. Only for a while. He could not be around her right now, not with how she was feeling and how he was feeling as well. Not when he knew she was picking up on his emotions and so accurately at that. There was one that she had missed though and he was thankful she had. If ever she had seen that he was feeling guilty then she would really be suspicious. And not just suspicious either she would be hurt and angry. She would automatically assume the worse and she would be right.

It would of course be her first assumption because of what he had told her; he had told her that he wanted a mistress. He had not realised it at the time but he came to realise it later. That one ridiculous statement had led to an unimaginable mistake, the gravest he had ever made and that had lowered him to the same level of a man he wished never to be like in that fashion.

He had broken his vow to himself and his vow to Mayuri and he would make sure he did not break the other vow he had made to her. He would not hurt her. Ever! He couldn't. If he ever hurt her that way, if she ever found out, he would lose her and he would lose his children. He had had this life for ten years and had loved every single second of it. He loved having a mate and having a family. He did not want to go back to the life he had lead before; single and with no other purpose but wandering all over Japan and chasing something that was not rightfully his.

He could not return to that life.

It had been a while since he visited his study. Hell, it had been a long time since he had visited his own home. But he needed it now and it always served him well when he needed to be alone and think.

As he got closer, about to turn the corner and enter the hallway in which his study was located, he heard voices – whispers. The servants no doubt gossiping again. He really could not see how they found all the time to spread rumors when they were supposed to be taking care of his home or why they found so much pleasure in the act.

"Lord Sesshomaru and Hisano? Never!"

He stopped dead in his tracks.

"I heard it from Hisano herself! Bragging about it to a group of her friends and describing it in quite the explicit detail I might add."

Damn that Hisano! There was a reason why she had a reputation. If the news had travelled to his home already, there was no telling how many other people knew of his infidelity and the more people knew the more likely it would be for Mayuri to find out. He could not have that, not at all. But how did one stop a rumor? How could he stop people from talking?

Damn that woman! She would have to be dealt with, but first things first.

"I wonder if – "

They went silent the moment Sesshomaru walked around the corner, hurriedly trying to look as if they were doing what they were supposed to do. But it was too late, he had heard them and they knew it.

"Good afternoon my lord." They said in unison as they bowed. Fear poured out of their pores.

He stood bother them with his back straight and looking down at them with narrowed eyes.

"From Hisano herself you say?" He asked and they instantly got down on their knees, foreheads to the floor and started groveling and apologizing.

"You will not speak of this to anyone again. If I hear one whisper of this anywhere within my home or the grounds that surround it, you will be severely punished as well as those who spoke of it." He threatened.

They continued to grovel and apologize.

He left them with their foreheads to the floor and continued on to his study. Now he too was worried and above all, angry. Hisano needed to be punished; she had to be made an example of.


	9. Chapter 9

He was in his study again. Avoiding her, she was sure.

Things had changed again; all of a sudden she had had her old mate back, he was attentive and affection and always up and ready to play with the children and then all of a sudden he was withdrawn – trapped in his own little world, a world in which she could not gain entry.

He'd been holed up in his study since the day before, when she had asked him if anything was bothering him.

Several times she had gone to his study, stood outside the door for long periods of time contemplating whether or not she should knock and almost doing it several times. A few times the door had burst open and there he was standing in front of her. He would stop and just stare at her, and she at him, then just walk right past her without saying a word. That sadness still in his eyes.

She kept telling herself to wait, that he would tell her when he was ready of what was bothering him so. But how long could she wait? How long could she worry about the man she loved?'

So here she was, once again, standing outside his study's door.

oOo

The first thing he did that morning was go to his study.

To avoid Mayuri?

Maybe…

Yes.

But she wasn't his only reason for seeking refuge in the only room in his home where he would certainly not be bothered; he needed to compose himself, gather his thoughts and reign in his emotions – his anger and outrage, emotions which were solely focused on the audacity of that whore named Hisano. He was sure this was karma, or something like it, and did it work fast indeed. He was certain Hisano's indiscretion and that of his people, his servants, was some kind of punishment for his actions.

Or maybe that was just him being paranoid, or him just placing the blame on some other person, some greater entity for surely if he had not given into his desires none of this would have happened.

He would not have been feeling guilty for only Kami knew how long, he would not be having to deal with his, he would not have to lie to his mate and he certainly would not want Hisano's head on a stake. But he would not go so far in punishing her. Despite her loose tongue and yet still even looser morals, she was quite the good servant. That however, did not make up for anything at all.

Hisano needed to be punished. He needed to make an example of her. It had to be her, not some servant or random person he knew to have been speaking of his own indiscretions. No. It had to be the source; the little followers had to be shown that they could not speak of said incident and get away with it. He had to shut them up and fear was as good a tool as any other or such a venture.

It was cruel really, just to punish her for speaking of their encounter and especially in the way he planned. Was it not, in essence, a custom for noblemen to have mistresses separate from their mate? And not even just one but sometimes many at the same time or over the course of their relationship? But Mayuri was not the type of woman who would sit back and take that; the blatant disregard for her feelings and the disrespect that came with being cheated on and the humiliation.

Though not as much as himself, Mayuri was a proud woman and she would not stand for that.

He knew that if she found out she would, as she had said – promised even – leave him. She would remove herself and her children from his life. That was not something that could happen. He would not let that happen.

So he had to take action and prevent that from happening and the only way he could prevent that from happening was to prevent said information from reaching Mayuri's ears.

Sesshomaru looked over at the man who would deal Hisano her punishment, the only person he had let into his study since yesterday when he had gone in and barely even left. He was only there because Sesshomaru had gone for him himself, told him what it was he was to do and who he was to punish. Sesshomaru would accompany him there; as lord he was in a way obligated to see over any punishments he ordered and as a given bonus, his presence would, indeed, give the spectacle an extra sense of seriousness, would show all those present just how lightly he wasn't taking their little whispers.

When he had gone to retrieve him, it was one of those few incidents where he had met Mayuri at his door. She had looked so very, deeply worried. Luckily when he had returned with his man, she was gone. Most likely off somewhere with the children.

He always knew when she was standing outside his door; he could sense her, smell her even after she had left. Her scent lingered in his study and it only reminded him of what was at stake; his relationship with Mayuri and his relationship with his children. And she was outside his door right now.

"Come, Shobatsu-suru." Sesshomaru said as he rose from his seat.

The man rose with his lord, bowed and followed him to the door.

Sliding it open Sesshomaru encountered, as he knew he would, Mayuri and once again did nothing but stand there and stare into her worried eyes, her fist positioned to have knocked on the shoji door. She looked so fragile and insecure, so small and timid and scared. This was not how he wanted to see his Mayuri, this was not how he wanted her to feel. He wanted her to be happy, like she was yesterday, and he would try his hardest to make that happen.

He took her wrist and pulled her to him in one sharp motion, making her gasp as her body suddenly collided with his. His palm he rested on her cheek as his thumb caressed her bottom lip and his other hand released her wrist and slid down her back to rest on her waist and draw her even closer to him. Her arms came to wrap around his waist as she got up on her toes. Holding her as tight as he possibly could he leaned in and touched his lips to hers, pouring into his kiss all the love he had for her and his family, his confidence that he would be able to silence the rumors about him and Hisano and his certainty that he and Mayuri would once again be happy.

Her kiss on the other hand, was far more different; he could feel her worry in it, almost taste it on her lips and tongue and there was a desperation in it that he knew he was the cause of and was very sorry for it.

When he broke their kiss he simply stroked her hair, placed a kiss on her forehead and walked away, his punisher right behind him.


	10. Chapter 10

They bowed with respect and reverence as he walked by; just like they should, considering he was the one that was working day and night to keep them and their families, not just his own – though they were his motivation – safe.

It had been quite some time since he had set foot in his camp and though it felt familiar; being amongst his loyal soldier, the sights and the sounds that had become a part of his everyday life, the smells, everything about it, the camp did not feel like home. The building he had just come from, where he left his worried mate and young children was his home. That was where he wanted to be. That was where he should be. That was his place in the world, where he belonged.

This camp and what it represent (ongoing civil unrest that seemed endless) were an inconvenience and a possible threat to the life he wanted to lead and the sooner he got rid of them both the sooner he could truly do what it was that he wanted to, what it was that made him happy.

There was no joy in this place, where every day he received reports of heinous crime after heinous crime committed against the foolish little humans that decided to take up residence on his lands. There were instances of joy however; when they captured a dangerous criminal they had spent months hunting, saving a life, the closure of a case, delivering good news to worried families, the union of one of his soldiers and his mate. But they were few and fleeting.

Sesshomaru wanted his life back. _Needed_ his life back and he would make it happen. Right now however, he had to focus on the task at hand and that was dealing with Hisano.

Given the time of day, she was probably lying on her back beneath one of his high ranking officers – despite being a whore, she only slept with "the best of the best" – Sesshomaru assumed it gave her an elevated sense of self to be able to brag that she slept with men in high places…just like she had with him.

Sesshomaru scoffed. Disappointed in himself for having been so weak as to…to have done what he did; to have slept with Hisano. She had always tried to seduce him, had always tried to convince him to bed her, she had always tried so very hard to get him touch her the way she wanted him to, to ravish her and show her just what he could do and he had always been able to resist – albeit being pulled in by her a few times, but he had not given into her seduction before that one time.

He didn't know what was different that time, what had made him so weak as to give into his baser instincts but he had made a mistake. A mistake for which he felt great guilt and remorse and now had to face the consequences of. He would make it up to Mayuri in every way he could, even though she had no clue as to what was going on with him and how he had betrayed her, he would make it up to her. He promised himself. He did not want her to worry or be unhappy anymore.

He knew where she was, he had asked when he had arrived and at the moment she was sleeping with his lieutenant general; a favourite of hers maybe because he was Sesshomaru's second-in-command. The man who was, at one time and would henceforth be, the closest she could ever get to Sesshomaru.

His lieutenant general knew very well of the type of woman Hisano was, knew full well the sort of thoughts that filled her conniving little head, but it did not hurt his pride at all. If anything he felt sorry for the girl…but not so much so that he wouldn't take full advantage of what it was she offered up so eagerly.

And now Sesshomaru stood outside of his tent. Anyone, youkai or human, standing within three feet of this tenet would be able to hear exactly what was going on inside. Yes, Hisano was quite the loud one when she wanted to be. Those weren't the only sounds that came from the tent however…

Sesshomaru motioned for Shobatsusuru to disturb the two and extract the woman who would now be facing her punishment. There were no squeals of embarrassment or shame when his man entered the tent, no doubt Hisano made no attempts to hide her body from him when he entered. His lieutenant general came out first, fastening his hakama as he did so and stood before his lord as he bowed.

"Greetings my lord." He said.

"Greetings Hiroto." Sesshomaru said as he nodded to his lieutenant.

Hiroto was a tall well built man, with a large back, wide shoulders and lean yet somewhat muscular body that at present glistened with the sweat of his interrupted activity. He was the teeniest bit taller than Sesshomaru and had waist length very light brown hair that was almost lighter than air and parted down the middle as it fell and framed his face and dark brown eyes. If you asked any woman in the camp, she would say his beauty matched that of their fair lord; though his nose was longer and thinner, his lips were fuller and his skin was darker.

"I see you have brought your henchmen; your punisher." Hiroto said.

By this time a small crowd had gathered, though everyone kept their distance, and watched the events that were unfolding before them.

Just then, said punisher came out of the tent pulling Hisano behind him with chains around her wrists, wearing nothing but Hiroto's haori thrown over her shoulders. She looked up at Sesshomaru with fear and knowing her eyes, as well as confusion.

"Sesshomaru-sama….my lord…what…" She stammered.

Sesshomaru said nothing; he merely motioned for Shobatsusuru to follow him.

Hiroto did not follow. He looked around in the crowd that had gathered and spotted another one of the "service girls" in the camp.

"You, come!" He ordered and returned to his tent.

Sesshomaru made his way to the centre of the camp, near his camp and not very far from where he had just come. There lay a sort of "stage" where criminals and the like were punished and, if called for, executed. This was where he was to deliver his message to those people who incessantly wagged their tongues and threatened to expose his infidelity to his mate, this was where he would make an example of Hisano. They needed to watch, they needed to see what would happen to them if they continued to speak of his mistake.

He climbed the steps, Shobatsusuru behind him dragging Hisano along, and proceeded towards the centre of the "stage", thereby instructing Shobatsusuru to leave Hisano there. He turned to the crowd that had gathered, many of which had followed them from whence they had previously came and even from when he had first entered the camp. They knew the face of Sesshomaru's punisher well, after all he was the one who was sent for whenever they had captured a criminal they had been looking for, so they knew that when he came to camp someone was about to suffer. The surprise on their faces did not escape him however; it was a very rare occasion when one of their own was the one being punished.

His eyes now focused on the scared, naked and chained woman that shook at his feet.

"I should not have to tell you why you are being punished." Sesshomaru said loud enough for the gathered crowd to hear.

"I…I don't…I don't understand-"

"Oh? Were you not the one who bragged about having slept with me?" He asked.

Her eyes grew wide with horror and realisation.

"My lord! Please!" She begged. It was futile.

Sesshomaru turned on his heel, towards the crowd and nodded to Shobatsusuru. The man immediately pulled out his whip, which only made Hisano beg and plead harder and louder. His eyes narrowed; in the distance, there seemed to be a small disturbance in the crowd. They tended to get quite rowdy when the "stage" was being used but it was never anything that required him to intervene. It seemed to be little more than someone trying to leave.

Hisano screamed as the whip came down on her back.


	11. Chapter 11

Everything was quiet.

Not a bird sang.

Not a leaf rustled.

Not a child laughed or screamed.

Everything was quiet.

She sat on the edge of the bed she shared with the one she called love. Feet planted firmly on the hard wood floor, slumped over. Her arms hung limply at her sides. Her eyes were fixed firmly on her sock clad feet…or so they seemed. She wasn't looking at anything at all. If not for her bowed head and her wavy jet black hair flowing down over her small shoulders and hiding her freckled face from, her eyes would have been visible and it would be clear that her green eyes were unfocused, almost dead.

If you could look into her eyes, really stare into them and search into their deepest regions, you would see the thoughts that flashed across her mind.

Memories from the early days of their relationship; their first kiss, that first time they made love in the inn, the first time they said they loved each other under the moonlight so many years ago, every single time they had said the words since then, the moment they discovered that they were expecting their first child and all the joy and emotion, screams and tears that had come with it. She remembered how he had tended to her when she was pregnant, every time she was pregnant; he was so over protective and cautious, it was funny and cute and romantic and sweet. The first time he held each of his children and the way she saw his love for each and every one of them grow in that one moment. The way she had seen the thought "I will love you and protect you forever" flicker across his mind as he did.

Every happy, precious and unforgettable moment they had shared in their ten years of unity played across her mind, over and over, and over and over again.

They were so happy. They had been so happy. And now this was where they were. This was what their relationship was like.

In that one revelation he had become someone she did not even recognize anymore. He was most definitely not the man she had fallen in love with. He was the man he had been before they had met, the man he had told her about. A womanizer and a whore!

How many more of them had there been? How many times had he betrayed her so? Five more? Ten more? Twenty more? What else had he done? What more was there that she did not know? How long had he been lying to her and how many lies had he told? Why only now did he feel guilty? Why had he done it in the first place? Was it something she did? Or more appropriately, did not do? Did she mean so little to him that the second a female offered to spread her legs for him when she so adamantly refused to that he accepted without hesitation? Without thinking about the mate and children he had waiting for him at home? A mate and children that loved him more than anything else in the world? That were ever so loyal and devoted to him? Did he even think of what would happen once she found out about his betrayal?

Of course not!

He was only thinking about himself. About his urges and his needs and how he could have them satisfied. He never once thought about he consequences of his actions. About what it would do to her. About what his actions would do to his family. About how he was destroying everything they had built in the almost eleven years they had been together.

He cared about nothing and no one but himself and his actions had proven that.

Mayuri closed her eyes and took a deep breath. The rage that was slowly beginning to build inside of her replacing the shock and hurt she had been feeling. She had not even realised that her arms, which had at first been hanging limply by her side, were now extremely tense and her dainty hands were balled into fists. That she had started to shake and that angry tears were streaming down her _very_ red face. She did not even realise that at this very moment she was bouncing both her legs on the tips of her toes and that her eyes had turned red.

She was drowned so deeply in her angry thoughts that she did not even hear the footsteps approaching her bedroom, or smell that autumn scent, or hear the shoji door slide open or see Sesshomaru when he was standing right there.

"Mayuri…?" He asked, smelling the salt in the air, seeing the tear drops at her feet.

She slowly turned her face towards him and when he saw the tears on her face and the red rage in her eyes, he took a cautious step towards her. He did not know what he should or should not do in this situation. Never before had he seen that emotion on her face. Hell he had never seen _that much emotion_ in her eyes and in her face. Something was wrong and he knew exactly what it was. He knew his mate. He knew the woman he loved. He knew there was only one thing that could enrage her so; she was a reasonable woman who, even when she got angry, kept a level head; she never let her anger get the best of her. There was only one thing that could do this.

And in that moment he realised it was her.

He opened his mouth to speak.

Smack!

Before he could even make a sound she had slapped him, and with the full force of her strength – Mayuri was no weakling; her strength matched even his.

"How dare you." She whispered through clenched fangs.

He opened his mouth to speak yet again but she simply would not let him; he was met with another powerful slap which hurt even more than the last.

"Mayuri – "

"I don't want to hear your excuses!" She shouted breathing heavily.

"How dare you!" She screamed, picking up a nearby oil lamp and throwing it at him. It crashed against the wall not far behind him as he dodged it, shattering into hundreds of pieces, big and small, spilling oil everywhere.

"How dear you do this to me! How could you be so damned selfish! I did everything for you! Everything! I have been nothing but loyal and faithful and served you like a mate should!" She ripped a painting from the wall – he recognized it as the one he had bought her for their first anniversary – and hurled it at his head. She missed.

"The one time I deny you what you want this is what you do? You go out and sleep with some _whore_! You betray me! You betray our family! You betray our union!" She picked up the small table they kept in their bedroom for when he brought his work home with him and threw it. He dodged that as well.

"You act like the womanizing whore you were before we met! A man you claim you no longer want to be! You lied to me! You lied! Right to my face! How many more were there? Huh?" She threw a plant. "Ten?" A book. "Twenty." Ripped another painting off of the wall. "Thirty!" The mirror. "How many more times have you lied to me? Betrayed me! Humiliated me! I have done nothing to deserve this! You have no right to treat me this way! I am not some random female that you are having a fling with! _I am your mate_! The woman you pledged to spend your entire life with! The woman who pledge to spend her entire life with you!" He didn't know what she threw that time.

"You promised me! You told me you would never do this to me! You vowed this would never be us! YOU PROMISED ME! Was that another one of your lies? Was that just something you said to keep me foolish? Were those just empty words!" She picked up one of the chests they kept their clothes in. It was a very large chest and it was very heavy – for the average human at least. In one swift motion she held it over her head and threw it as she screamed.

She had finally stopped. Just stood there gasping for air and just stared at him. The rage still on her face and in her eyes. Her body shook with her anger and for the first time Sesshomaru was afraid, but not of his mate…

The second he had slid open that shoji door and saw her sitting on the bed, smelt her salty tears and read her body language he had known it was her he had seen trying to get out of the crowd. Known she had followed him down there, probably to talk about why he had been acting the way he was as of late, and then heard what he had said to Hisano before she had been punished. Sesshomaru knew that right now what he did and said or what he failed to do or say mattered more than anything. Right now could either mark the end of his relationship with the woman he loved most or…well what else was there?

If their relationship did not end it would certainly be change forever. For the good or for the bad he did not know and in his mind he did not think that any even remotely good would come out of this situation. That was what he now feared.

He had hurt her, he could see that in her eyes now. Always could have. Behind the rage that was so very clear on her pretty, freckled face was a pain that was etched just as deeply, if not deeper. He knew this rage would pass, and when it did she would be exhausted – emotionally drained. All she would feel would be that hurt he had caused, the pain that gripped her heart, the sadness that he knew would engulf her and take away her sparkle, the shame that would come along with it and the guilt that it was all somehow her fault.

He knew she would blame herself. He knew that even though she would be fully aware that she was in no way to blame for his infidelity she would still feel like she was culpable. She tell herself that she should not have been so selfish with her body, should have let him do with her as he placed; she was his mate and she should have been more selfless, should have tended to his needs more, should have been more attentive and so on. He knew his mate.

"Mayuri?" He said, and waited.

All was silent…

She took a deep breath.

"Get out." She muttered.

"I-"

"Get out! Get out now!" She shouted.

He nodded and slowly backed away from her, walking towards the shoji door and never once looked away from her. The farther away he got, the whiter her eyes became, the more her rage melted away and the more the hurt he had seen in her eyes came to the surface. It pained him to see her this way. To know that he was the reason for it, that his actions and his selfishness had gotten her in that emotional state, had gotten them in this situation. The blame was his and only his to bear. Not hers. Never hers. She could never do him wrong. Not ever. She was his perfect mate. He was not so perfect.

"I love you." He whispered when he got outside the door.

He watched the tears roll down her cheeks as she dropped to her knees and buried her face in her hands. Heard her harsh sobs when he had closed the door. He rested his forehead against it, closed his eyes and listened to her cry. The sound of it just made his heart ache, literally. He himself starting to feel physically weak. His entire body felt numb, as if at any moment he too would collapse on the floor. But he knew he wouldn't, knew he couldn't.

"Father?"

He didn't even bother to look at them. He knew he couldn't bear to see the no doubt worried looks on his children's faces. He knew they were all there. Knew they were all scared. Knew they were all sad. Knew that they were crying. How could he look at them? What kind of father was he to do this to their mother? Hurt her in such a way? Break her? Destroy her? What had he done?

"Go to your rooms." He said it so softly he was surprised they even heard. He didn't have to say it twice.

His legs finally gave out on him when he heard his Mayuri scream.


	12. Chapter 12

He stood outside the room, his back pressed against the wall, not wanting his silhouette to appear behind the paper screen of the shoji door. He didn't want anyone to know he was there. He was eavesdropping, there was no diplomatic way to say it or nice way to make it sound. He felt like he had to of course, no one was telling him anything and he was anxious to know what was going on. No one felt it important to tell him, oh no, there was very little need for him, and even the others to know and he was tired of being kept out of the loop; tired of people keeping him ignorant and tip toeing around him as if he would not or could not guess that something was wrong, that something was up, and it was his intention to find out exactly what that was.

He knew that if he was caught he would get scolded and thoroughly so, but no one would be too hard on him, no one would have the heart to. Because whatever was going on, they felt the need to feel sorry for him; to pity him and sympathise with him and the others and these days, whenever they looked at him, or they looked at the others, there was always this sadness in their eyes and it was annoying not knowing why they felt that way.

He had been there that day, he had seen some of what had happened and it shocked and terrified him to witness something so out of character. That the Great Lord Sesshomaru would be and could be brought to his knees…To hear the heart wrenching, goosebump inducing, sorrow filled scream of his mate on the other side of the door…

He had been there. He had seen it. He had heard it. He had felt it.

He wanted to know what it was that had made this all happen. He wanted to know what was happening.

It was not that he was being nosy, would never be that he was being nosy. He was worried; and extremely and deeply and desperately worried and not only about them, and not only about himself, but about the others as well. He needed to find out so he would know how best to deal with them and look after them. He needed to know how to comfort them because they were just as worried as he was and not to mention terrified. As the eldest, it was his job to look after his younger brothers and sisters and he fully intended to do just that.

He pressed his ear closer to the wall and listened.

All he could hear in the room was his mothers slow, even breathing. The kind of breathing a person did when they were asleep. But his mother wasn't asleep, she was wide awake. He knew this. Only moments before had the servant girl been feeding her lunch. Along with the sound of his mother slowly drawing breath was the sound of water swishing in a tub and droplets hitting its surface. The servant girl that was now bathing his mother sang sweet songs of love, betrayal and forgiveness in a voice so lovely and smooth it could sooth even the most savage of beasts.

This was not the first time that Ichiro had gone out on a reconnaissance mission. He had done it so many times now in the past few weeks that he had lost count. Yet still, he had learned nothing. It was frustrating how all the servants that tended to his mother, and also his father, seemed to avoid speaking about whatever it was that was going on. Even when they got together in their little gossip corners they discussed more how it would affect them, job losses and all that, instead of the actual issue. And he wanted to know! He _needed_ to know!

He nor his siblings had seen his parents in weeks. _Weeks_! His father being absent for long stretches of time was normal, but even so he was never absent when he was _present. _And they had never, ever in all of their lives been without their mother. Never had they been without _both_ of their parents. Ever! And the fact that something could take their parents away from them, take their parents away from each other...it scared him. It scared them all.

His mother had not left her room since that day and his father now resided on the opposite side if the house, holed up in his own room all day and all night, not even leaving to go to the camp.

The first three or so weeks after "the incident", his mother spent almost literally all of her time crying and if she wasn't crying and sad she was angry and yelling at everyone for every little thing. Either way, he and his siblings never saw her, they only heard her. Then after that she said nothing, did nothing. But it was still the same; they still hadn't seen their mother.

At the same time, because their father had been, his soldiers came to the house repeatedly, trying to convince their lord and leader to join them, command them. But it was no use. His father simply did not move at all, and eventually command of the army went to his second-in-command. But even so, his father was needed down in the camps; things were not running quite as smoothly as they had been when he was in command. The chaos in his lands were still not settled to a manageable point and they needed his guidance. It was futile however, to try and convince him to leave his home. He simply refused to leave that room.

It was the same with his mother. The female servants had tried and failed miserable to convince her to leave the room, but she too refused to leave her room. They said: "My lady, the children, they miss you and need you. Please, do it for them." or "You cannot be upset; he is a lord and it is what lords do. We all know that." and sometimes "This is not going to help you. You need to get up, be strong and live." But none of it worked. Nothing ever did. No one could help her it seemed.

It was not so much that his parents verbally refused, for his parents, other than Mayuri's yelling at the servants, had not spoken a word to anyone, even themselves, since that day. They hadn't even spoken to their own children...

"Okay my lady, your bath is over now." He heard the servant girl say and he quickly ran from the wall to hide.

He watched as the servant girl opened to door, left the room and turned around to close it. She sighed and shook her head, a sad expression that reflected something close to pity on her face.

When she walked away and he was sure that she was truly gone, Ichiro crept to his mothers bedroom door. He listened and heard nothing but the sounds of that slow, eerie breathing. He place his hand on the door and paused, wondering if he truly wanted to do this and just as quickly as the doubt crossed his mind it vanished. This is what he had come here to do; to get information, to find out what was going on so that he would know how best to take care of his siblings. Screw the nurses that now looked after them in his parents' absence! They didn't know how to look after them. His mother may be a noble, but she never passed off her children to some nurse to raise. She raised her children herself and he wanted it to go back that way. They all wanted it to go back that way but until that happened, and even at eight years old he could comprehend that it would most likely not be soon, he would fill her shoes; he knew his siblings, he knew how to take care of them.

With slightly shaky hands Ichiro opened the door a tiny crack and peered inside.

His mother, the Great Lady Mayuri, the most beautiful woman in all Japan and it's most excellent mother, was lying on her side with her back to him. There was a gloominess about her, an air of utter hopelessness and despair, sadness and loss, that he almost choked on it the second his eyes met her back. He knew that she knew he was there, so why then did she not turn around to see him? Greet him with that smile she always gave him and his siblings whenever they were together? He continued to stare at her back, wishing she would turn around, hoping she would look at him, longing for her bright smile.

But she did nothing.

She remained as she was.

Mayuri looked as if she were dead. He knew his mother was not of course, for he could hear her breathing. But to him, she might as well have been. There was such a lifelessness about her and not just in the way she was lying and her demeanor, it was a feeling that oozed out of her pores and poisoned the room...the entire house. Ichiro hated the feeling. He truly wished he had not peered inside of the room; seeing his mother this way utterly disturbed him. He preferred her yelling over this, preferred her crying over this. At least she had been doing something, at least he heard her voice. Seeing her like this only made him worry more and doubt if he truly wanted to know what was going on.

He slid open the door wider and took a cautious step inside.

"Mama?" He breathed, scared to speak at normal volume. Somehow it felt like if he did she would just sink deeper into the hole she was already in.

There was no reply or response; she didn't twitch, or sigh or move in any way. It was as if he hadn't even spoken, or like he wasn't even there.

He had wanted so badly to see his mother, and now he was not quite so sure if it was the wisest thing to do; sneaking into her room – this was not the woman he had known and loved all his life, she was not the mother who had raised him, the mother who had loved him and nurtured him. Lying before him was something that resembled his mother perfectly...on the outside. Inside that body was nothing and no one. No, she was not the Great Lady Mayuri of the Western Lands, mate of the Great Lord Sesshomaru and mother to Ichiro, heir to the lordship, and his siblings Daijiro, Sanyu, Hana, Kosuke, Jin and Emi. The question that played in his mind and the moment however, was if she could ever be.

"Ichiro!"

He jumped and turned around, only to see his mother's head hand-maiden; a woman who was far older than his mother, but not quite of the same age as his grandmother. She was his mother's closest friend in the house and the one person who saw her most at this time. She was almost constantly by his mother's side and only left when she needed to oversee the running of the rest of the household – a job that once belonged to his mother.

"What are you doing here? Why are you not with your siblings?" She asked him.

"I wanted to see my mother!" He said stubbornly.

She sighed, sympathetic.

"I understand you miss your mother dear but you are not supposed to be here, not now." She told him kindly.

"But why?" He asked with a stomp of his left foot. "She is my mother and something is wrong with her and I want to know what!"

"That is something that I do not have the right to tell you little one. That is your parent's business and they will tell you when you need to know."

"I need to know now!" He whined, tears forming in the corners of his eyes.

She shook her head and knelt in front of him, opening her arms to him. It took him a moment, his stubbornness getting the best of him, but he accepted the hug, resting his head on her shoulder and crying quietly in her arms.

"You cannot know now. It is something that at your age you would not be able to handle, although I am not sure if a child can handle such news at any age but I am certain it will damage you more if you are told now. Please Ichiro, promise me you will not sneak back into this room and that you will keep your siblings away from her. You all miss her yes, I know, but she has asked that you be kept away; she does not want you to see her like this, especially you Ichiro. She knows how it will, and I am now sure has, break your heart. Promise me little one." She pleaded as she rubbed his back .

Ichiro sniffled.

"I promise." He said into her shoulder.

"Now there's a good little man." She said with a smile, but she did not let go just then. He needed this, to cry out his worry, to be held by someone, to be assured that everything would be okay and that he need not worry.

She sat frozen there with him for several minutes and when he was ready, he let her go.

"Now go and get your siblings, I want you to go outside and play. Can you do that for me?" She asked and he nodded, wiping his eyes with the backs of his hands. "Good. I have not heard your laughter in far too long. Do not worry Ichiro-sama, everything will be fine."

He nodded as he sniffled before turning around and heading back to his siblings.

Fumiko watched him walk away. It was only then that she truly realised how much this was affecting the children, even though they had no clue why their parents were acting this way or understood the gravity of the situation, they were still affected and gravely so. How they were handling the children was obviously not working and she really did not know what else they could possibly do. For now all they had been doing was trying to keep them as happy as possibly but she saw now that that was not in any way working. They needed something more.

She slid open the shoji door wider and stepped inside and closed it behind her. She walked over to the bed and sat next to Mayuri, sighing and she did.

"Mayuri-sama, the children are getting restless, they really are very worried about you and their father. You know Ichiro was here and only Kami knows how long he has been sneaking around for. They are beyond our help and right now they don't need nannies, they need family." Fumiko told her mistress.

Mayuri sighed and was silent for several minutes. She was worried, thinking, trying to figure out what was best for her children at the moment,given the situation and the implications of whatever decision she made. The last thing she wanted was to cause them more pain and to make them worry more, but this was not a good environment for them and she did not want to suffer because she and Sesshomaru were in the midst of a separation.

"Pack my things and the children's. Write a letter to my parents informing them that we shall be arriving very soon."


	13. Author's Note

Hello all, as you can see I have not updated this in a while, kind of lost my inspiration for continuing this and don't know if I will.

Right now, I am working on another story called Vindication. It's four chapters in so check it out and review it and let me know what you think. :)


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